April 19, 2010

Comebacks Are For Losers, Winners Never Leave

I realize I haven't blogged in, oh...forever. Part of the reason for this was because, in what I can only assume to be a restructuring of Universal management, Someone pulling the strings decided that I had just too damn much positive energy in my corner and needed to be humbled. Word trickled down from Upstairs that someone was getting the axe, and shortly after New Years a death blow was dealt to one of my dearest friends - my computer, Brian. (That's right, I tried to name my CPU icon "brain" and misspelled it. Thank you $40,000 education.) So, as it was I have been unable to write anything because, honestly, who would even THINK of using a pencil or pen these days?! I don't even think I remember how to hold one, and even if I did, my gnarled fingers are forever frozen in the "poised over the keyboard" position. My opposable thumb can no longer even make the connection with my other digits; it can only move in a repeated and swift downward space-barring motion, and also occasionally stick itself straight up whilst I am trying to communicate that yes, I do very much want the coffee you are pointin....no, not that one. Go up one. No, not the soy latte section, i just wanted the....fine. Whatever. I always end up leaving the coffee shop with something decidedly NOT coffee. And a scone. When the hell did I order a scone?

The Reaper's sickle not only did a number on Brian's video card, but also grazed my motivation as well. My first and only nine-to-five job was starting to wear me down, and all I wanted to do when I got home was do something unproductive. Luckily, I have been practicing this technique for years, and I am quite deft at it (I will soon be publishing my first "How To" book entitled "Time Consumer: Waste Your Way to Happiness" featuring chapters on: staring blankly, walking around a house aimlessly for long durations, and concluding with a tear-jerking and well-written editorial by my good friend Sam Miles called "Facebook - Internet Friends Are Better Than Real People Anyway".

Not only this, but weekends, when I usually got most of my writing done, were now booked solid doing actual THINGS, not just writing about doing actual things. Every Friday my pesky friends would drag me, fingernails peeling up the hardwood, out of my apartment and into the world. Didn't they realize that I have an eager fan base of maybe TWELVE whole people that SOMETIMES get around to reading the first seven sentences of my blogs before my incessant descriptions and run on sentences force their brains into boredom comas?!?! Who do these people think they ARE, tearing me from my work this way? Everyone back home now thinks I've died!

So these are the reasons why I hiatus, and now I have returned bigger and better than ever. No, I still won't have any pictures because I still don't have a camera. And no, I still am not funny. But there are some crazy things that have happened in my life that I would love to share - some of them directly relate to being in Asia, most of them directly relate to me being kind of an idiot. But, you know, one of those loveable "aw, the dog got his big dumb head stuck in the banister railing" idiots, not the "if losing my keys was an olympic sport, then I would have missed the medal ceremony because I can't find my keys to drive there" kind of idiots. I hope that my readership will return once they realize that I have not actually been lost to an earthquake, scooter accident, or H1N1, but if your patience has worn too thin and your girlfriend has thrown it out even though it was your favorite patience and you always wore it on Sundays while watching your favorite team lose, then I guess I'll still enjoy writing this, as it was meant to be an exercise in reflection anyway.

Oh, who am I kidding? This has always been all for you.

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